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Archive for the ‘upcoming’ Category

Upcoming August 14th

Posted by nfinit on August 14, 2007

In a startling turn of events, this actually turns out to be a decent week of gaming, even in the face (or perhaps because of) of legions of slavering Madden fans descending upon stores come Wednesday morning. Also, Persona 3 pops back up again, after what Atlus will only describe as a “printing error” leading to a three week delay. If nothing else, this should prove a fascinating social experiment as okatu and jocks mingle in the same annoying, stress-inducing line at the local EBStop.

Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)

Apparently Raven’s kept the visuals up to par with the 360 version (Which sounds impressive until you remember everything in this genre is zoomed out to something just under low Earth orbit) and it’s a third of the asking price for the next-gen versions of this game. If this is your thing and you haven’t picked it up yet, it looks to be a decent diversion. Even if this isn’t your thing, you have to figure it’s at least twice as good as The Red Star, and doesn’t feature a minute and a half of unstoppable credit screens every time you want to start the game.

The timing on this is actually rather remarkable, as it gives dads something to keep their kids shut up about while huddling in the living room with Madden.

Fatal Fury Battle Archive (PS2)

Pay attention. This is something incredibly rare in gaming, a package that’s so brilliantly fucking fantastic and priced so low that hardcore gamers cannot justify not owning it. Game companies simply don’t do this sort of thing anymore, and as much as I hate the whole “reward consumerism” mindset, it’s something that’s deserving of our retail dollars. Herein you will find Fatal Fury, Fatal Fury 2, Fatal Fury Special and Fatal Fury 3, on one disc, for fifteen fucking dollars. And okay, yeah, while you’re probably either going to wind up playing FF Special or FF 3 and not touch the rest of the disc, it’s still a rather incredible event to witness, especially if you’re of the generation that can remember calculating exactly how much overtime they’d need to work to justify a Neo Geo purchase. Fifteen years ago this package would have cost you something along the lines of eight hundred dollars to collect, and that’s not counting the price of the console itself. I could not possibly recommend this enough. Now if there was just some way to convince SNK to release a disc consisting of their non-fighter, non-Metal Slug Neo Geo stuff. There’s an entire generation of gamers out there who’ve never played Magician Lord!

Madden ’08 (PS2/PSP/360/PS3/Wii/DS)

The yearly event that exposes the rest of America to the dank, filthy halls of EBStop is upon us again, causing us to both recoil in horror at what we may one day become and begrudgingly admit that without stuff like this it’d be impossible to justify Shadow of the Colossus and Bioshock.

A quick rundown of what each version features:

  • The 360 version runs at 60fps, and is thus considered the “full” version. It is unknown exactly how much money traded hands for Microsoft to pull this off, but safe to say there’s been an alarming amount of trade happening between EA and MS, including advertising rights, PR Marketing heads trading places between companies, and of course Microsoft’s compliance in EA’s continued destruction of the integrity of Xbox Live. I’m not saying that Madden ’08 is better on the 360 simply because EA and MS are in bed, but it sure looks weird.
  • The PS3 version runs at 30fps. Rumors as to virulent mold spores being packaged in each Blu-Ray case remain wholly unconfirmed.
  • The PS2 version is the one people will wind up actually buying
  • The Wii version is like the PS2 version, only a pain in the ass to actually get anything done with
  • The DS version is further proof of the lack of a kind or loving God
  • The PSP version is there because hey, PSP owners are sorta dumb anyway.

Persona 3 (PS2)

And now, presenting the case for Persona 3:

Well, I mean, if you insist

Also, apparently you contact the spirit world via repeated ritualistic suicide. That’s kinda different. And as always, the Last Great Hurrah of the PS2 until something comes along next month to further justify never buying a next-gen system. I swear, this generation isn’t going to end until we wind up with seventeen million unsold copies of Toy Story 4 buried somewhere in Utah.

Metropolismania 2 (PS2)

No reviews for this thing exist, and every preview site googled up regurgitates the exact same PR boilerplate. But it looks like SimCity for people who order pocky online– since Natsume is involved, I can only assume there’s cows and an awkward dating game involved somewhere. So yeah, imagine Harvest Moon, only you’re a city planner, and instead of crops you’ve gotta harvest crack rocks and manage prostitutes. Only everyone’s got enormous fucking doe eyes, so it’s even creepier than what I just described.

Dungeons and Dragons Tactics (PSP)

What the hell is this and why is it on the PSP instead of a system I want to actually own? It’s a tactical RPG using D&D 3.5 rules, and if you’re the sort of mutant like I am and actually enjoy D&D 3.5 combat, you’re a tad dumbstruck at the thoughts of a videogame appearing on the PSP that may just justify removing your firmware hack in order to play.

Seriously Wizards, fuck you. Aren’t you guys aware that PSP owners don’t buy videogames?

Pile o’ DS Crap: High School Musical and Operation Vietnam.

I’m almost positive I’ve seen High School Musical: Making the Grade here before. What possible quality control issues can be involved with a High School Musical game that could even remotely justify a delay? Was the text replaced with nothing but anti-Semitic slurs? Did someone screw up the order form and buy a half million blank Game.com carts? Was AIDS found lurking in the staples binding the instruction manual together?

As far as Operation: Vietnam goes, just imagine. This is how Vietnam vets think our generation views the sacrifice of their youth:

With any luck our nation will refuse to go to war ever again under the fear that game developers will make shitty games about the experience.

Finally, a trio of shockingly good DS games by way of Japan.

Heroes of Mana (DS)

It took the better part of three years, but someone finally built a quality RTS entirely around the DS, and it’s coming from Squeenix of all people. To confound matters, it’s coming under the guise of a “* of Mana” game that doesn’t suck the will to live out of anyone attempting to play it.

Rune Factory (DS)

Natsume has plastered IGN with banner ads labeling this as a “Fantasy Harvest Moon”, which I guess tells you everything you really need to know about this. Of the one recent review to come of this to show up on Gamerankings Nintendo Power docent seem to like it much, bestowing a 70%. But then, Nintendo Power gave Puzzle Quest DS a 40%, so what do they know?

Luminous Arc (DS)

And to compliment Heroes of Mana, someone remembered the DS ought to have a lot more Strategy RPGs on it than it does by now, and thus we have Luminous Arc– Which by all appearances is your bog-standard SRPG affair with your demons and fallen gods and all that noise, but hey, it’s gotta beat playing through Tactics Advance for the seventeenth time… So you know, you can play this to death until Tactics Advance 2 comes out. And since it’s published by Atlus, you get to stare at stuff like this for sixty hours.

Also, apparently it comes with a dating sim minigame. So this is pretty much the greatest “I’m a social pariah yet I still need to go to work everyday” videogame ever created.

NEXT WEEK! I Spy Treehouse for the DS! Brunswick Bowling for the PS2! Something called Bioshock for the 360!

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Upcoming August 7th

Posted by nfinit on August 6, 2007

This week gamers saw an enormous setback as Daisenryaku 7 Exceed (and with it it’s whomp-ass cover art) had it’s release pushed back over a month, presumably to allow Crave Entertainment to explain exactly what it is they’re trying to sell to retailers. Until then, gaze upon the wonder that might have been–

They could sell this game for $170 and wrap it in hepatitis-encrusted razor wire, and I’d still buy it. In other news, this week’s real, honest-to-god released videogame selection is pretty goddamned horrendous.

Tomb Raider Anniversary (PSP) (80%)

I know what you’re worried about, PSP owners. Sure, Anniversary may bring the classic gameplay of the original Tomb Raider to the PSP with prettified graphics and modern game design elements, but what you really want to know is how well Lara’s ass has handled the translation to the handheld medium.

And it saddens me to report, not well. Not well at all.

Blurry, grainy, distorted, ill-defined– This is not an ass worth losing your firmware update for. Yes, yes, the gameplay has largely come across unharmed– but at what cost?

Boogie (Wii) (N/A)

Remember when EA said it was going to focus on the Wii and more unique, non-franchise titles? And all the Nintendo guys suddenly forgot that EA is condensed, tangible evil and started to chow down on EA’s theoretical corporate manhood? Yeah, well–

Admittedly, that comes with a mic (which, according to Game|Life’s Chris Kholer, is apparently junk) but you know EA is feeling the water here, seeing exactly how far they can get with the Wii audience. Which will probably be a lot, considering this title pretty much screams HEY, WII PLAY GUYS, BUY ME! At least when Nintendo tries to sell a marginal videogame to the Wii Play set, they do so by bribing them with a free controller.

High School Musical: Making the Cut (DS)

At first I was disappointed to see no reviews of Making the Cut exist, but then I realized there’s no real point to reviewing this sort of thing as the target audience isn’t really the sort to peruse IGN. Matter of fact, if you’re the sort who may be in the market for Making the Cut, or any game produced by Disney and/or Nickelodeon I’d prefer you not read this site either. Seriously. Chris Hansen scares me!

Megaman Starforce Pegasus/Leo/Dragon (DS)

Speaking of games where the target audience shouldn’t even be registered for Myspace yet, there is this, a blatant moneygrab for gamers whom don’t find playing Pokeman in public quite socially damming enough.

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Upcoming July 31st

Posted by nfinit on July 30, 2007

World Championship Cards (PSP/PS2) N/A

Now, I’m not going to deride this sort of thing as pointless, as there is a market for casino games, and that market provides the money that supports the justification for Atlus’ entire library. I do, however, wonder about the wisdom of putting this sort of game on anything other than a handheld system. The DS or PSP is practically made for this kind of casual pick up n’ play fluff, but I have a hard time imagining that there are people who have access to God of War, Burnout and Soul Calibur at home and decide “hey, I’ll play a game of virtual cribbage”. And if those people do exist, why couldn’t we get them to play Phantom Dust?

Crazy Taxi Fare Wars (PSP) N/A

Speaking of casual pick up n’ play fluff, this fits the very definition, and handily doubles as vindication for those who think Nokia was too quick in killing the N-Gage.

You can see in the distance where the game gives up trying to render Crazy Taxi and wants to draw Moon Patrol instead. In all fairness, a portable disc containing Crazy Taxi 1 and 2 sounds tempting, but I dunno how tempting a game can be right now to justify losing your bios hack.

Harvest Moon: Boy and Girl (PSP) N/A

By this point Harvest Moon has become one of those games where fans of it know exactly what their getting into, while non-fans sorta look on from the outside and wonder why in the world people would want to role play as a farmer. This one looks to be the same as the other eighty seven hundred Harvest Moon games to be released, only this time more squished…

… and featuring lolis who want to make a suit out of your skin.

Brave Story: New Traveler (PSP) N/A

The latest in a long line of generic PSP JRPGs, perfect for the gamer who refuses to let go of the era where PS1 was king and JRPGs were relevant. This time though, you get catgirls!

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Which will no doubt appeal to a certain segment of the population. To that segment I say 1) you’re sick and 2) where does a person go to get decent Felicia x Fran hentai?

Mario Strikers Charged (Wii) (77%)

Look, I need to come clean with you guys. I hate Nintendo. I can’t explain it anymore than a Carolina fan can explain why he hates Duke, or a Warner Brothers guy why he has a seething hatred for Disney. Just that there are some choices people make in life, and mine was Sega over Nintendo, and I’m standing firm on that issue despite Sega being run by collective of lobotomy victims from back in the 1950’s when they used to jam an icepick into your eye socket and call it a day. Just rest assured that I hate Nintendo, I hate their legions of smug fans, I hate that they’re creaming Microsoft and Sony and I hate it when some jerk like Capcom or Konami goes and releases a game on a Nintendo platform and forces me to buy the stupid thing.

Fortunately for me, Mario Striker’s Charged is not from either of the above. Indeed, it is a Mario Soccer game, and thus manages to combine three things I hate, sports games, Mario and Nintendo. It is nearly a perfect representation of everything I irrationally hate, all it’s missing is Mike Krzyzewski as a playable character. So in lieu of an objective report, I’ll instead supply a stream of snide comments:

  • So is this the first Wii game that wasn’t supposed to be on the Gamecube first, or what?
  • I have it on good authority that Super Princess Peach was developed entirely to help fill out databases for America’s sex offender registry lists.
  • This is the first Wii exclusive since Super Paper Mario not to be an abomination against all that’s good in the world (Escape from Bug Island) or an attempt to single-handedly destroy the game industry by filling it with old men and non-gamer girlfriends (Brain Training Wii; Mario Party 8). Super Paper Mario, you’ll remember, was released shortly after Ronald Reagan’s first term of office.
  • It is my understanding that a large portion of Mario Striker’s Charged gameplay consists of holding the Wii remote thrust directly before your groin and gyrating your hips to and fro, while at the same time shouting “This is exactly how I would like to fuck Ed Norton”.
  • Mario Kart Double Dash? Double bullshit.
  • Nice work on the friends codes. Get back to me when Nintendo’s figured out a more sophisticated matchmaking system than what was found on Duke Nukem forever.

Pool Party (Wii) (N/A)

Best case scenario: a game of virtual marco polo featuring your chesty, jiggling video game babes.

Worst case scenario: Generic billiards game featuring token Wii remote support.


Never mind.

That said, although the Wii’s showcase for the week features a wholly mediocre soccer game and something that crawled out of the Wal-Mart shovelware bin, it’s miles better than the PS3 and 360 offerings this week, consisting of jack and shit respectively.

Glory Days 2 (DS) (61%)

One of the more unique titles to come along as of late, this would appear to be choplifter meets Grim Grimore. I say “seems to” as that’s all I could gather from the Eurogamer review and the screenshots, which, much like a Stephen Hawking powerpoint, have a habit of looking both awesome and horribly confusing.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but it’s awesome and there’s no way the low ratings can be trusted.

Pile o’ Shovelware Shit: Chameleon: To Dye For; Bratz Ponyz; Professional Fisherman’s Tour: Northern Hemisphere; Spelling Challenges (DS)

No week would be complete without a collection of irredeemable shit that will still outsell everything else on the list combined. I find myself horrified by the implications of Bratz Ponyz. If it follows the aesthetic (I use this word loosely, much like a movie critic would the “aesthetic” of a Bang Brothers movie) then these will be the biggest sluts known in the equine universe, featuring thong bridles, mains woven with extensions, and a rear end that no doubt caused the toy sculptor responsible for producing the prototypes to start drinking Sterno.

Also, I question the logic of one fishing title for the entirety of the Northern Hemisphere.

Picross (DS) (82%)

What does it say about the state of gaming when the best original game released for the entire month of July is a friggin’ Picross title? Man, fuck July.

NEXT WEEK! The PS2 gets Daisenryaku 7 Exceed! I have no idea what that is, but there’s a TANK on the cover and thus it is GAME OF THE WEEK! The WII gets INCREDIBLY GAY with Boogie! The DS gets THIRTEEN MEGAMAN GAMES! PSP owners shall know the joy of LARA CROFT’S SLIGHTLY POLYGONAL ASS in Tomb Raider Anniversary!

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Upcoming 7-24-07

Posted by nfinit on July 23, 2007

The thing that’s struck me the most about this series is that, for the most part, games are terrible.

I’m not talking about merely mediocre, or games that are enjoyable if you’re a fan of the genre. No, the vast majority of videogames should not be purchased, rented, played or are to be considered worth spending any amount of the precious time you have left on this mortal coil. Most videogames are, in fact, detriments to human civilization, proof to the likes of Roger Ebert that gaming can never be art, and that gaming is a vapid waste of time probably not even suited to a child’s intellect.

Which is why my job is important. I’m here to tell you that, despite being the biggest week of releases in over a month, there’s not a single worthwhile gaming experience to be had there that’s not Persona 3, and the only reason I can’t bring myself to deride even that game is because I enjoy the art direction and I haven’t been able to understand what’s going on in a JRPG in 12 years. If you buy one single game this week other than Persona 3 and Guitar Hero 80’s edition, you’re not just wasting money, you are a bad person and I don’t want to be your friend!

PS2

NASCAR ’08 (N/A)

For gamers who find the milieu of track selection in normal racing confounding, here’s one where every turn not marked “left” has been removed.

NHRA Countdown to the Championship (N/A)

And if that’s too complicated, we also have racing games where corners themselves are removed.

Honda Motor Ignition Simulator 2k8 (N/A)

Start a variety of Honda motors, from the legendary CVCC ED1 to the Formula 1-spec RA807E. New for this year are bright purple grounding wires.

The Word of Recaro Professional Sitting in a Chair Tournament Starring Johnathan Wendell (N/A)

Sit in a chair and vegetate in over a dozen meticulously rendered locales. Defeat Johnathan Wendell and earn the sponsorship of Team Fata1ity!

Shen Megami Tensei: Persona 3 (84%)

The only thing I know about the Persona games is that they feature a girl who wears leather catsuits that have hearts where the nipples should be. So I’m already a fan of this series, even though I’ve never played a single one of them.

Guitar Hero Rocks the 80’s (n/a)

The last Guitar Hero produced by Harmonix, and thus probably the last Guitar Hero anyone’s going to worry with before switching over to Rock Band. As much as a cynical money grab as this is sure to be, I can’t hold any ill toward anything featuring Limozeen. I just wish I could play a single one of these things– Sadly my malformed, sausage-like fingers pretty much assure I’ll be ponying up for a Rock Band drum set come Christmas.

Wii

Alien Syndrome (N/A)

I think it’s neat that Sega can’t remember it’s been sitting on the Streets of Rage franchise for the past twenty years, but some marketing done remembered they put out a produced a mildy well-received Ikari Warriors clone back in 1987. Also, this is going to suck.

Escape from Bug Island (37%)

Supposedly, this game is supposed to come out this week. IGN says it’s coming out this week, it’s Wikipedia entry says it’s coming out this week, and I’m sure that if it’s own website were not an attempt to punish man for the crime of original sin, it too would say it’s coming out this week. Gamestop, though? They’ve disavowed any knowledge of any game called “Escape From Bug Island” even existing, much less being available in their stores. Searching for the title reveals instead results for Escape from Monkey Island, and it’s no longer showing up on Gamestop’s Coming Soon page, despite being there as recently as last Tuesday. I mean, what do they have to be afraid o–

But Island-- Part of the 3D0 Texture Archipeligo

Holy shit.

360

NASCAR ’08 (N/A)

Turning Left For Five Freaking Hours, $60 Edition.

Xbox Live Marketplace

Wing Commander Arena (SUCK).

EA continues its grand tradition of squatting a big ol’ fetid turd on Microsoft’s Live service, this time dishing out hope-crushing fecal matter to Live Marketplace in the form of a 3rd-person-view Wing Commander that’s not even really in 3d. Instead you sorta wander around in a 2-d plane between a couple of warring battleships while given the ability to performed a canned animation loop-de-loop to evade fire. Having managed to ruin space combat, EA’s next project will be to wring the fun and enjoyment out of music itself with Boogie.

PS3

NASCAR ’08 (N/A)

Turn left with the power of BLOOOO RAAAAAAAY. Also, apparently Lair was pushed back a week. Ride that wave, boys!

DS

Dynasty Warriors (62%)

Things that Koie could have produced that are awesome: A Legends of the Five Rings strategy game making use of the unique touchscreen feature of the DS. Thing that Koie produced instead: A hybrid Dynasty Warriors/card game that apparently isn’t aware the touch screen exists. Also, if you’re one of the 12 remaining Koie fans in the world, do you look at Fatal Inertia and wonder if you’re looking at two straight console generations worth of F-Zero knockoffs?

PSP

Alien Syndrome (N/A)

This will be the superior version of Alien Syndrome, as it will only be playable for 2 hours before the battery dies and you begin to question the course your life took to get you to the point where you’ve spent money on Alien Syndrome. A Wii owner will be stuck for a good thirty hours before the Wii remote craps out.

Final Fantasy 2 (73%)

All the good jokes about a game that appeared on a multi pack with Final Fantasy 1 on the GBA have been done already, and I’ll avoid mentioning that if you still own a PSP at this point and you wanted to play FF2, you could find a version for free and have it on your system with less than five minutes of work. However, I would point out that Squeenix keeps pumping out these reissued moldy “classics” and have completely forgotten stuff that would actually make sense on the PSP– say, for instance, Parasite Eve. Meanwhile Squeenix is putting out stuff like DQ9 on the DS,and you realize the term “PSP” and “Squeenix” and “Going through the motions” go together like “Peanut butter” “Jelly” and “Cold milk”.

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Upcoming 7-10-07

Posted by nfinit on July 9, 2007

All of the following are scheduled to ship 7/10/07. As before, game ship dates stolen from Gamestop, reviews (when possible) provided by Gamerankings.

Before we go on,, a simple logic puzzle, for the publishing company CEOs out there.

So you’re in the business of publishing videogames, and as such you know that a good percentage of your customers are in high school or college and during Summer usually have nothing better to do than work at McDonald’s or hang out at comic shops. Being the president of a videogame company and thus obviously an incredibly smart person, worth many millions of dollars and owner of at least one diamond-encrusted Lamborghini for each day of the week, you also know that the games industry has a tradition of blindly throwing top titles out during the Christmas rush, when these same people are 1: Gearing up for tests and 2: Flat broke.

Why is it, Mister Smarty Pants Videogame Man, that you know these things and yet, year after year, decide to release jack all during the Summer months when your customers are both flush with cash and bored? This the same logic that killed Beyond Good and Evil, the same logic that forced people to chose between Metal Gear Solid 3 and Halo 2, and will be the same logic that’s going to lead to development team behind Kane & Lynch: Dead Men being dragged from their homes at three in the morning one night in January and never heard from again.

But hey, I’m just one of a thousand hacks with a Blogger account. Although if I were a PS3 owner, I’d like to have something to justify my fandom between here and November besides Lair.

PS2:

Zilch. But not to worry, you 90 some million or so who’ve yet to move to next-gen: In two weeks you’ll be able to once again justify putting off your upgrade thanks to Guitar Hero’s 80’s Edition and Persona 3.

Wii:

Nothing this week, and nothing again next week. Although two weeks from now Wii owners will be able to slake their totally-not-a-drought with Alien Syndrome and… Escape From Bug Island.

XB360:

Project Sylpheed (67%)

Ouch. Iwanted this to turn out at least decent. It’s a 360 remake of a Sega CD shump, a title that could not be more relevant to my interests had the game come with a goth librarian girlfriend simulator minigame. As we’ve explored earlier though, anything scoring below a 75% is a pretty sure sign that you’re dealing with certified crap printed on disc. I mean, I’ll still wind up buying the stupid thing, I just won’t admit it.

PS3:

So you’re Jack Tretton, President and CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment America. It’s the week of E3, you’re about to announce a hundred dollar price drop on the PS3, and it looks like you may be gaining the nearest thing resembling momentum since last year’s E3 disaster (an E3 that went so badly for you that you took E3 in a flaming wreck, Balrog vs Gandalf-like along with what remained of your communal goodwill). So you’d think that maybe you’d have a big title coming out this week to try and take advantage of this, right?

Right?

Not only is the PS3 not seeing anything released this week, it won’t be seeing anything at all in the way of exclusive games until Lair, in the middle of August.

Okay, ignoring the whole lack of worthwhile 3rd party exclusives– was this abysmal dearth of 1st party titles in the first year really what Sony was planning for last year when the system was first announced? What was the plan here, to survive for an entire year based on the promise of Motorstorm?

DS:

Apparently Vegas: High Stakes was delayed a week and will instead come out this Tuesday. Those of you who were actually worried about this, please, go spend your $20 on video poker and stop ruining my hobby.

PSP:

Rivera: The Promised Land (N/A).

You have to like what Atlus has going, what with their ability to treat the niche subject of hardcore traditional Japanese RPGs and bring them to North America, treating them with the reverence their okatu-driven customers demand, something Vic Ireland and his Working Designs crew were never able to accomplish. As for this game in particular, I’m not the one to be passing judgment upon it, as I haven’t been able to enjoy a JRPG since Final Fantasy VII ten years ago. However, this looks competent enough, what with it’s goth lolita girls in comically oversized hats and heroes wielding swords that look like everything swords just should not be. Atlus’ target audience will no doubt be pleased, those of us just at the periphery of this audience will instead sit and watch Odin Sphere’s animations.

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Upcoming Tuesday July 3rd 2007

Posted by nfinit on June 29, 2007

Shamelessly stolen from Gamestop’s upcoming games web page- which of course means that should you actually try to buy any of these games, expect to be viciously mocked by a kid making minimum wage during his summer vacation.

The reviews are from Gamerankings whenever possible– meaning that in one article I’ve managed to combine Gamestop’s retail practices with the absolute worst of “gaming journalism”. Join me next week as I attempt to combine the smell of cooked cabbage with the sex appeal of Annie Lennox.

PS2:

Nothing! Next gen systems enjoy a two week respite until Guitar Hero 80’s edition makes the intervening seven years of console development irrelevant again.

Wii:

Chicken Shoot. (Review average: N/A) Use your Wii remote to shoot chickens, who return fire using their own progeny. Miraculously, Jack of All Games managed to make a horrid game out of this.

(That’s not being entirely fair though, as I gathered that impression is from the PC version of the game, which averaged around a 50% from review sites. As far as the Wii version, no real evidence exists that it’s going to be released outside of Gamestop. No reviews on Gamerankings or Metacritic, IGN doesn’t believe it exits, even Wikipedia only includes the standard PR blurb. Here we have a case of a videogame so uninspiring it cannot even be proven to exist.)

XB360:

Vampire Rain (With Bonus!) (49%): Hopefully the bonus includes a refund for the purchase price of Vampire Rain, or perhaps they’ll include a game you may actually want to play on your 360, such as Earth Defense Force.

(Checking Gamestop reveals, sadly, that the bonus is instead a Vampire Rain poster. Which is great if you’re the sort of person that doesn’t just have a lousy taste in games, but wishes to remind yourself and your loved ones of this on a daily basis. Gamestop! Gaming for the self loathing!)

PS3:

Ninja Gaiden Pan the Camera Around Rachel in 1040i Edition (89%) Or Sigma, if you who didn’t play this this 2 years ago. Now feel the power of Blu-Ray as you’re emasculated by Alma in True HD!

(The XB1 fanboy in me would be remiss if I didn’t take this moment to mention that Ninja Gaiden Black received a 94% and sold for $30.)

PSP:

Steel Horizon (N/A): At long last Konami addresses the slavering turn based naval battle simulator PSP market.

Hot Wheels Ultimate Racing (N/A): At long last DSI games addresses the slavering lousy arcade street racer PSP market

(In a stunning show of confidence in the PSP, no reviews for either game exist as of yet– In fact, there’s no page for Hot Wheels Ultimate Racing to be found on Gamerankings or Metacritic. In lieu of actual content for said game, I shall instead cite the enlightened prose of your very own gaming community:

“kyur” managed to snap himself out of his 20-hour-a-day-caffeine-seizure to put together:

tis will be like fast and furios and need for speed put together and i have been watching a lot of hotwheels videos i whose to have the game but i don’t this will be cool the graphics will be cool the cars stlying will be cool

But don’t take his word for it! Witness the wit and wisdom of Fast and Furious himself!

Wow this game should be an awsome game because its like a mix of Need for Speed and Sonic and those are my two favorite games and in Hotweels you can use the cars special abilities and that makes it an even better game.

As for Steel Horizon, the DS version- a system tailored made for turn-based naval combat- received a 49%. Flee.)

Nintendo DS :

Platinum Soduku (N/A)

Vegas Casino High 5, (N/A)

Deal or No Deal (N/A)

(Continuing Nintendo’s market stratagem of making gaming as exciting as an issue of The New Yorker. The fact that there’s no rankings for these games does not suprise me, indeed I would find it more interesting should someone have bothered with a review for any of them– sort of like a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, you know what you’re getting into with “Vegas Casino High 5” the moment you read the label.)

Rather depressingly slow week, and it won’t get any better next Tuesday, with all of two games (Project Slypheed and Rivera: The Promised Land) to talk about. We’re officially in the Summer gaming doldrums, as the industry decides the very season when most of it’s target audience have been booted from school and have nothing better to do for the next two months is when they should start racheting down game releases in anticipation of the holidays.

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