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Archive for the ‘Amazon is terrible’ Category

Bad Controllers– Pelican Sucks Special Edition

Posted by nfinit on October 17, 2009

As long as consoles have had controller ports, there have been knockoff 3rd party gamepads.  Some of these have been improvements upon the original design:

This picture officially banned in seven US states as well as the entirety of Australia

This picture officially banned in seven US states as well as the entirety of Australia

Or a more recent example, the best Playstation controller ever made, Logitech’s sublime wireless PS2 controller:

So smooth, so supple, its probably what a girl feels like!

So smooth, so supple, it's probably what a girl feels like!

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.  No, I’m here because of shit like this:

Seventy dollar Gamestop exclusive or a five dollar controller decal?  You make the call!

Seventy dollar Gamestop exclusive or a five dollar controller decal? You make the call!

Unless you’re one of the insane, dedicated few willing to throw good money down to improve upon the perfectly functional controller that was sold with your system, the term “third party controller” most directly translates to “chinzy crap”, the sort of gaming peripheral even mainstream gamers feel awkward about buying and the hardcore only turn to as a last resort.  Maybe you’re putting together a used system for a nephew who doesn’t know any better.  This is the sort of thing that leads down this horrible road:

OH JESUS I THINK IT SAW ME

OH JESUS I THINK IT SAW ME

Maybe you found out that your fourth for Madden Night doesn’t own a PS2 and has no intention of buying a controller.  Then this could happen:

The front of this controller is fashioned from the hood of a 75 El Camino.  True story.

The front of this controller is fashioned from the hood of a '75 El Camino. True story.

Or maybe you’re just an awful human being

Choking hazard

Choking hazard

Either way, it’s rare to go into the process of buying a 3rd party controller and expecting a quality piece of kit out of the process.  Which is a shame, as there’s no need for most of these efforts to look and feel as cheap as they do.  It’s like these manufacturers go out of their way to make their product as regrettable a purchase as possible.  After all, there’s no good reason for something like this to exist

Terrible joke immediately following:

Warning: Insensitive joke immediately following this caption

Unless you’re specifically trying to embarrass someone in the process.  You’re telling me that at no point in the design process for this abomination that someone didn’t speak up and say “Hey, maybe it’s just me or does our controller look like it has Down’s Syndrome?”

As you’ve probably noticed, 3rd party controllers tend to share a lot of design cues.  Inexplicable rubber grips are a favorite

I'm almost positive I owned a Trapper Keeper with this exact image

Sadly horrible squid monster remains criminally underused in modern industrial design

"Horrible squid monster" remains criminally underused in modern industrial design

More rubber than a UCLA frat house

More rubber than a UCLA frat house

These moldings seem to exist entirely to peel off and leave a gummy residue that immediately makes the user regret ever holding the controller after about a week of use, provided they manage to last that long without first breaking apart in a cloud of polystyrene splinters.

Also popular is pasting the controller maker’s logo over the front of the gamepad, as nothing provides better advertisement for a shitty controller than a sticker the size of a baby’s head.

Quick, name Captain Americas favorite gamepad!

Quick, name Captain America's favorite gamepad!

This isnt hip!  This isnt hip at all!

This isn't hip! This isn't hip at all!

The Microsoft Xbox, brought to you by Mad Catz!

The Microsoft Xbox, brought to you by Mad Catz!

Let us not forget the inexplicable presence of the Slowmo button, a relic from the 8 bit days that remains with us still.  They were of marginal use back when hitting “start” merely paused the game– now that hitting “start” usually brings up a menu screen, the slow-motion button is good way to wipe out your entire savegame file, or irreversibly turn your console’s translation setting to Swahili.  Hori is strangely dedicated to the idea of turbo and slo-mo switches, despite their otherwise sterling reputation as one of the few 3rd party controller manufacturers that actually go out of thier way to improve upon the original product.  For instance, Hori’s otherwise excellent 360 gamepad:

Hori deserves better than to be placed in the same page as Pelican

Hori: More proof that the Japanese are more awesome than you

You hit the wrong switch on this thing and you can wind up buying three thousand dollars worth of Netflix rentals before you regain control of your system.

Sometimes a bad controller can come about as a result of a company thinking they have a clever new idea that ultimately proves disastrous .  For instance, the Nyko AirFlo controller likely sounded like a good idea when it was being thrown around in committee– For whatever reason Nyko’s engineers (this is provided Nyko or any other third party controller vendor actually employs engineers) thought that hand sweat was a pressing issue for gamers, so they took a Dual Shock, gutted the rumble motors, carved just enough holes in what remained to provide some sibilance of structural rigidity and came up with this goddamned thing:

The T stands for Terrible waste of money

Something the Borg would use, if the Borg were lame and had an unreasonable fascination with surplus PC cooling fans

Which, I dunno.  Maybe the AirFlo was a good idea, but I never trusted the thing as it felt like it gripping it too hard would result in my palms being ripped to shreds by a pile of ABS plastic shards, like some sort of gaming stigmata.

Rarely, a company can go the extra mile and take a pre-existing bad controller– let’s say the godawful N64 pad– and through some horrible dark alchemy known only by the most potent necromancers– make it worse.

The Pelican logo isnt so much branding as it is a dire warning

The Pelican logo isn't so much branding as it is a dire warning

You have to admire Pelican’s dedication to it’s craft.  Here they’ve managed to combine the worst parts of the SNES and the N64 controllers into a pulsating green blob.  Pelican is remarkably good at this sort of thing, they’ve turned regretable controller purchases into something of a cottage industry.  Take for instance the “Wii Compatable Wired Game Pad”

“Classic retro design and feel”.  It’s a Gamecube pad!  This isn’t retro!  YOu can’t call something that was still in production two years ago retro!  You’re just trying to trick soccer moms into buying this thing for ten bucks instead of the Classic Wii controller.  And I do mean “trick”, as the ‘cube controller doesn’t work with a lot of stuff the Classic Wii controller was designed for.  It’s deceptive shit like this that just turns people off gaming altogether and you’d think Sony and Microsof and Nintendo would institute a bit of quality control and truth in advertising for their liscensed vendors.

___________

Hey, wasn’t this supposed to be the NES update?  Yes, it was!  However I would be doing Nintendo an injustice if I were to slag upon their company without my full creative abilities at my command.  So you got a cheap update full of pictures culled from Amazon instead.

Posted in Amazon is terrible, Bad Controllers, Oh God No | 3 Comments »

Amazon’s directed content algorithms prove accurate; depressing.

Posted by nfinit on September 27, 2009

Yeah that sounds about right.

I swear to god the next product to the right was a wolf moon t-shirt

I swear to god the next product to the right was a wolf moon t-shirt

Posted in Amazon is terrible, Oh God No | 1 Comment »