Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wallet Abuse Friday 1-7-11

Posted by nfinit on January 7, 2011

Get Fit with Mel B
Developer: Deep Silver
Publisher: Deep Silver
Platforms: PlayStation 3

The most damning aspect of Move and Kinect is that no longer can you relegate stuff like “Get Fit With Mel B” into the Wii ghetto and move on with your life. No, now this thing is sitting there next to Red Dead Redemption and Vanquish and other real video games, cheapening everyone in the process. But mainly me.

I don’t even know what Mel B brings to the table aside an endorsement from a woman that I want very badly to kick my ass

Let’s see what the official website has to say for itself:

Good Game

Get Fit with Mel B is arguably the best overall fitness game on the market. Unparalleled graphics and replayability.

—DieHard GameFAN

Yeah, y’know, because DieHard GameFAN is your go-to source for news and opinion on sports and fitness products.


Get Fit with Mel B is the best option out there for getting fit with a video game.

—Universal Gaming Database

Okay there’s no way the “Universal Gaming Database” actually exists, right?


So not only did Deep Silver submit a review simply to procure a pull quote for their own game, they couldn’t even be bothered to give their own game five stars. Deep Silver could have pulled this exact same trick with Giant Bomb’s editable database and gave themselves a Giant Bomb endorsement; although that’s assuming Giant Bomb wouldn’t issue a cease and desist within twenty minutes of publishing said pull quote.

The real loser here is, as always, DieHard GameFAN, who’s now been reduced to being mentioned in the same company as The Universal Gaming Database, Gaming Props, and The Totally Gaming Network. Also in wholly unrelated news, my blog at Big Red Coat is totally available for pull quotes! All I require is a modest monetary reward. Or free games. Or Taco Bell coupons.

(Also it’s entirely possible this game was actually a launch title for Move and should not be in this edition of WAW at all. Sometimes is weird like that; stuff will appear in it’s database and not disappear for months despite launching in twelve different territories across all major platforms. To be perfectly fair I just wanted to post pictures of Mel B and take potshots at Dave Halverson.

Lost in Shadow
Developer: Hudson Soft
Publisher: Konami
Platform: Wii

The PS3 is getting fitness programs; the Wii is getting third party games I want to play, Pete Carrol is taking a 7-9 team into the NFL playoffs and the President of the United States of America is a an open fan of Micheal Vick. It’s a weird world.

What’s not weird, however, is the idea of you buying Lost in Shadow. Like right fucking now. Put down your laptop or iPad or whatever, give Best Buy forty bucks, and come home with one of the most inventive and charming 2d platformers to come along since… well since Epic Yarn two months ago, but that’s not the point!


Stop being an asshole! Give Konami your money right now! Do it before Hudson remembers they used to make Bonk games! OH GOD TOO LATE

Look, the point is, Hudson has killed before and will kill again. They need to be rewarded for good behavior as much as they need their offices firebombed whenever they release a new Bomberman game.

Also how does it work out that the Wii wound up with the strongest lineup of 2d platformers since the early 90’s SNES? Super Mario Brothers Wii, Epic Yarn, Donkey Kong Waggle, A Boy and His Blob, Cave Story and now Lost In Shadow.

Yet somehow Team Meat decided that this was the one platform they couldn’t sell Super Meat Boy on. I mean, I’m usually not one to complain about third parties abandoning the Wii as it’s hard to blame a dev for not wanting to compete against Nintendo on their own platform when XBLA is sitting right there, but it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some sort of way to sell Super Meat Boy on the Wii given the fact that it’s become the go-to system for retro-themed games this console generation.

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of Osborne House
Developer: Frog Games
Publisher: THQ
Platforms: DS

One of the interesting– well, not interesting. Let’s say “neat”. But “neat” doesn’t mean anything, either. Okay, one of the things I’ve found out while doing WAW every week is that there exists this strange cottage industry of Nintendo DS adventure games; usually based on IP that’s long since passed into the public domain, but all roughly the same; based around a series of rote puzzle mini games loosely tied around a central narrative that only old people and very shy children who’ve spent too much time in the company of old people could possibly enjoy.

While it would be very easy for me to dismiss Mystery of Osborne House as another of these by-the-numbers adventure titles (provided you can even fairly call these “adventure” games without horribly offending the memory of Full Throttle and Grim Fandango), I’m stopped short– With the popularity of Professor Layton, perhaps Frog Games was inspired to create something with verve and artistry instead of an excuse to give retirees another six solid hours of pipe puzzles.

And with that you think maybe Frog games is trying this time– after all, that’s not just good art; that’s an actual art unique art style. Maybe Frog Games finally gets it, maybe they’re willing to pull these poor lost proto-gamers fromotheir comfortable, quilt-lined shells and–


(while we’re on the subject, we’re all in agreement that the mini games in Bioshock/Bioshock 2 were the only interesting pipe maze games, right? There’s something to be said for the tension created when you know if you fuck up you’ll be on the receiving end of a rocket-propelled grenade. Maybe this is the sort of thing Frog Games needs to expand into; providing hacking mini games to other developers. God knows Fallout 3/New Vegas could benefit from an hacking gameplay mechanic that didn’t involve trying one letter combination and immediately backing out and restarting if you didn’t succeed on the first try)

Developer: SouthEnd Interactive (Not to be mistaken for SouthPeak Interactive)
Publisher: Microsoft Gaming Studios
Platforms: XBLA

I’m trying to get into IloMilo but it just seems way too complicated for it’s own good. There’s a lot of mechanics to keep track of in 3d space and the way the two “ends” of each puzzle operate as you bring Ilo and Milo together was difficult for me to get my mind around during the demo. But I rarely “get” this type of game, so don’t let my inability to enjoy IloMilodissuade any of you; it’s obvious the developers loved making this game and that warmth permeates everything about IloMilo. If super-cute 3d puzzlers are what you’re into it’s hard to find a better example on XBLA at the moment.

Developer: TastyPlay
Publisher: Beatshapers
Platforms: PlayStation Network

So I don’t want to say that a downloadable title on PlayStation Network validates Move as a gaming platform, but–


This looks very much like an actual videogame.

The fact that StarDrone also exists on iPhone sort of harms this argument; it’s hard for me to believe that any sort of waggle integration is justifiable if the game isn’t built from the ground up to exploit motion control. But still, I get very much of a Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved feel from StarDrone, and Retro Evolved was pretty much the best (and only) argument for Xbox Live Arcade for months after the 360 was released.

(also, if you’re Nintendo, aren’t you concerned that this thing came out on Move three months after it’s launch instead of on four years ago on the Wii? How does Nintendo keep letting this sort of thing happen? I miss the evil Nintendo of old that would have simply left a Wii Dev kit sitting on Beat Shaper’s doorstep along with a note explaining how many copies of StarDrone they should expect to sell in order to pay it back.)


KINGDOM HEARTS RE:CODED is probably the last thing on earth I want to talk about that does not actively involve bowel movements

VENETICA looks suspiciously like the first instance of an HD videogame someone might want to pay actual money for in 2011.

GHOST TRICK is something you should buy but probably won’t because you’re a jerk who hates good things.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: