Bigredcoat

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Wallet Abuse Wednesday 4-28-10. Super Street Fighter IV, Record of Agrest War, Joe Arpaio’s Bloody Revenge

Posted by nfinit on April 28, 2010

This has been a bit of a slow week for gaming news– the community is still reeling from the revelation that Roger Ebert hates puppies, baseball and Halo Wars, meanwhile the rush of personnel leaving Infinity Ward is starting to resemble that bit in Cloverfield where the sewer rats were racing ahead of the horrible parasites that had began to infest New York City’s public transportation infrastructure.

There is some interesting videogame news that’s set to come about next week, in that the Supreme Court will rule on if state agencies are capable of shielding minors from videogame sales despite the videogame industry adopting a rating system that’s every bit as enforceable and valid as the same rating standard the movie industry uses to keep Best Buy employees from selling copies of the Nina Heartley’s Guide to Better Oral Sex DVD to schoolchildren.  Usually.  But that’s next week, and also boring in that we’ve all pretty much conceded the idea that there’s no way the blue hairs that make up the bulk of the SCOTUS will get this right.
So I’m forced to search abroad for a theme to link today’s games, and in doing so I noticed that all of this week’s games are published in Japan– in fact, only one game wasn’t outright developed in Japan as well, the lone holdout being Namco’s Dead to Rights: Retribution.

In case you haven’t been paying attention to your non-gaming related news this week, Arizona has essentially made being not-American illegal, to the point that Arizona citizens can sue their police department if the populace decides it’s law enforcement officers aren’t doing enough to clear non-Americans off Arizona’s fair streets.  All of which could be very bad news if you happen to find yourself at Gamestop buying one of this week’s selection of games and are asked for your papers!  A sequence of hilarious events that leads us to this week’s theme:


HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?


sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat

The more Joe Aparios you get, the more likely you’ll be asked for your papers and then immediately escorted to Sonora, Mexico!

Dead to Rights:  Retribution
Publisher:  Namco
Developer:  Volatile Games
Platform:  Playstation 3, Xbox 360

I had no clue there were already four Dead To Rights games floating about, I was under the impression the only Dead To Rights game to exit was the 2002 Xbox 1 title developed by Namco itself.

Namco clearly expected bigger things to come about from it’s Dead to Rights franchise, so perhaps it’s little surprise that Namco decided to reboot the franchise entirely in handing it over to Volatile Games and hoping a non-native developer could lend the series some Western-developed credibility.

Dead To Rights has always had one interesting facet to it’s otherwise standard third person duck-and-cover gameplay– that being the presence of a dog companion, sort of like if Snake Eyes somehow wound up a police detective instead of a ninja spec-ops commando
https://i0.wp.com/www.thewizdesign.com/uploaded_images/263233-109216-snake-eyes_super-766736.jpg
okay so nothing like Snake Eyes at all, but that’s not the point.  The point is, bloodthirsty wolf companions kick ass, and I’d rather play the game Volatile Games seemed much interested in developing, that being Batman Arkham Asylum: Demented Unstoppable Malamute Edition.

HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?

sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat
Although published by Namco (and featuring an Asian-American main character) Dead To Rights isn’t terribly likely to get you thrown across the state border– Keep in mind, Dead To Rights features decidedly Western-friendly gameplay mechanics and was actually developed by white dudes.
Harvest Moon:  Hero of Leaf Valley
Publisher: Natsume
Developer: Natsume

Platform: PSP

Gamestop’s upcoming release schedule has said Hero of Leaf Valley was coming out every week so far this month, and by all accounts (namely, Amazon.com)  Natsume’s truck driver has finally sobered up enough to be trusted to leave the warehouse without killing anyone.
In terms of gameplay I’m not sure what makes Hero of Leaf Valley different from the twenty-nine other Harvest Moon titles, but this time around we at least have something that resembles a plot– Namely that your character (the previously mentioned Hero of Leaf Valley) has been tasked to defend your town (the previously mentioned Leaf Valley) from a takeover by an amusement park company (not previously mentioned).  By, you know… growing crops
So I guess this is what Civil Disobedience looks like in Japan?  Commercial agriculture?
Also if you’ve just been told that your town is under immediate threat of being plowed under by a predatory corporation and a theme park being placed upon its site,  isn’t farming a little too far of a long-term plan?  The only way I see this working out well for the residents of Leaf Valley is if it turns out your character us dabbling in genetic engineering and created a mutant breed of man-eating plant, with the game playing like a Japanese version of Plants vs Zombies, only in this case instead of fighting off the hungry dead you’re using bloodthirsty plants to fend off dirty carnie workers.
…which, in retrospect would make this the best Harvest Moon videogame ever.


HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?
sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat

You probably imagined this game rating higher on the “arrested for spurious reasons and then immediately dumped over the US/Mexican border” scale, but we have to keep in mind that while any game that heavily features dating sim elements is pretty gosh-darned Japanese, the prevalence of Farmville almost totally negates the weirdness inherent in browsing GameFAQs.com in search of the correct vegetable combination in which to present to your prospective wife.  As such, Hero of Leaf Valley is probably safe to purchase, just don’t let yourself get caught playing your PSP in public.

Nier
Publisher: Square Enix
Developer: Cavia, Inc
Platforms:  Playstation 3, Xbox 360

Here’s everything you need to know about Nier
This is your main character:
Nier Picture
(Unless you’re in Japan, where this is your main character)
Nier Picture
Who is wandering a nightmarish trying to save his daughter from a horrible disease (unless you’re in Japan, where this is instead your sister)

This chick is a has a penis:

And apparently you’re being manipulated by an evil sentient flying book:

Which is all to say it’s decidedly not your typical squeenix JRPG.  Indeed, it’s actually an action RPG developed by Cavia, the fine folks who brought you the Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles games, the Stand Alone Complex games and.. erm. Bullet Witch. So they can’t all be winners, but if you remember the Drakengard games for the PS2, these are the same developers.  Nier is itself the spiritual successor to the Drakengard series, taking place after the events of the “E” ending for Drakengard 2.  Only with less dragons and more abandoned cities.

There’s every chance Nier is going to be terrible, but at least its going to look really cool while being terrible and probably confusing enough that you won’t really notice how bad a game it is until it’s all over and you’re left wondering if you should be angry at what just happened.
Sort of like the finale to Battlestar Galatica.


HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?
sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat
Yes, Cavia has gone out of the way to produce both American and Japanese friendly versions of the same exact game, but that doesn’t do anything for the fact that this chick:
50245__468x_nier-gestalt-oshiri.jpg picture by bigredcoat
Is basically a Futa perv’s dream woman…man…whatever.

Record of Agarest War
Publisher:  Aksys
Developer:  Compile Heart
Platforms:  Playstation Network; Xbox 360

There are signs that a game publisher has been tricked into picking up the rights to a title that isn’t as much a videogame as it is softcore pornography.  These signs include, but are not limited to:

1:  A 90 second long trailer featuring eight seconds of gameplay footage
2:  The Same trailer instead spends 1 minute 22 seconds focusing on pixilated boobs
3:  The game is packed in with a hump pillow.
What if I told you that Record of Agarest War forced Aksys to do all three?

Breast-flavored Record of Agarest War gets release date photo

I don’t want to come off as a prude– I mean, I’m not really in a position to insult the quality of animated porn– but if Aksys is expecting their marketing of Record of Agarest War to be anything but a tremendous embarrassment to  the company they’re ignoring two things:
1: Hentai is free
2: Any weeaboo depraved enough to drop sixty bucks on this package would rather spend that same money on a Bible Black cast off figure, coat said figure in some sort of horrible goo, immediately uploading pictures of it this onto 4chan.
The existence of the brick-and-mortar edition of Agarest War brings up another troubling concept– Unless you want to spend the next week downloading a 10gb file off of Playstation Network for your PS3, there’s no other way to buy Agarest War.  The Really Naughty Limited Edition is the standard edition of the game!
HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?


sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat


Let’s be reasonable here– if you buy Record of Agarest War retail, you’re basically buying a grab bag of items from the very worst parts of J-List.  Joe isn’t even going to bother dumping you across the border, he’s going to load you onto a trebuchet built in the University of Phoenix Stadium parking lot and pile in enough rocks into the counter weight to assure you’ll land somewhere south of Nogales.

Super Street Fighter IV

Publisher:  Capcom

Developer:  Dimps
Platforms:  Playstation 3, Xbox 360

I still don’t understand the logic in selling this game as physical media instead of DLC, but at least we’re getting 10 new fighters with SSFIV, which is more than many fighting games feature at all.  That said, we had original Street Fighter IV last year, what amounts to an expansion pack this year, and one year from now we’re getting Marvel vs Street Fighter 3– Capcom is totally going to Madden the hell out of the Street Fighter revival, and that’s before you get to stuff like Tatsunoku vs Capcom and the iPhone ports.  At this point I’m convinced Capcom is intent on killing the 2d fighter market for a second time, and we’re never ever ever going to see a new Darkstalker’s game because of it.
But I want to be positive here, and as such we should keep in mind that this is the absolute best, most widely available version of Street Fighter to exist in any form, and will probably remain the premiere 1v1 non-VS fighter for a long while– At forty bucks that’s not bad at all.   And really, everything I’ve said about SSFIV’s questionable justification for being sold on disc is forgiven if Capcom has somehow figured out a way to keep 90% of all online fights from somehow involving Ken/Ryu/Akuma/Sagat.
HOW LIKELY IS MARICOPA COUNTY, ARIZONA SHERIFF JOE ARPAIO TO DEMAND TO SEE YOUR PAPERS FOR BUYING THIS GAME?


sheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoatsheriff-joe-arpaio.jpg picture by bigredcoat
Not only are you buying a foreign-produced game sold by foreigners and based around a thoroughly foreigner-centric game genre (Unlike, say, a good solid American genre that’d put the food on the tables of good solid American game programmers, such as Gears of War or Golden Tee Golf) you’ve got a game based around the concept of the World Warrior– and if there’s anything that scares the bejesus out of Apario and his ilk, it’s the prospect of dirty swarthy non-whites non-Americans taking away prize money from American street fighters.  With a roster that includes both known varieties of Indian (both Dhalsim -and- T. Hawk), suspiciously over-oiled Moorish folk, at least two dozen people hailing from Southeast Asia, an ancient demon of martial arts-derived vengeance, an dictator and a full-fledged Luchadore, Super Street Fighter 4 is a virtual smorgasbord of dusky folk looking to make a better life for themselves.

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One Response to “Wallet Abuse Wednesday 4-28-10. Super Street Fighter IV, Record of Agrest War, Joe Arpaio’s Bloody Revenge”

  1. Hello to all, how is everything, I think every one is getting
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