Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wallet Abuse Wednesday 1-6-10: Bayonetta-a-ga-ga!

Posted by nfinit on January 5, 2010

Bayonetta (360, PS3)

If you’ve been reading this blog for the past month– and as I have access to the stats for this blog, I know full well if you’re reading this you’re probably also the same people who would have been reading it since I started updating again– you don’t really need me to tell you why you should buy Bayonetta again.  Simply put, it’s the perfect action game.  And that’s not coming from a game snob angle where I sit here and deride quality stuff like Modern Warfare 2 week after week– Bayonetta is getting 100% review scores from srz gamar publications like Edge, for chrissake.

Bayonetta is so good that it threatens to ruin the enjoyment of not just other games, but of all all existing forms of media.  It’s like going back to Hershey bars after being exposed to Godiva.  Maybe my life would be better without Bayonetta in it–
But no.  I will be brave.  For America.
(tangental:  Highlight of the weekend was seeing that Sega had paid what had to be a considerable sum of money to sponsor UFC108 only to show no gameplay footage, no actual advertising for the game outside of the logo, and to have the announcer confuse millions of gamers worldwide as they try to pre-order something called “Bayanatta”.)

Darksiders  (360, PS3)

The next couple months are kinda weird in that after a year where we recieved hardly any 3d action brawlers outside of the criminally underrrated Ninja Blade, we’re receving Bayonetta (best game ever), Dante’s Inferno (hiliaribad) God of War 3 (the only one that will actually sell) and this, maybe the most original of the group, but also the one that’s destined to be utterly ignored as it’s recieving no advertising support and fills no niche outside of combining a Zelda overworld with it’s 3d brawling gameplay.
Which is too bad, as Darksiders might not suck– Or at the very least, it’ll suck quantfiiably less than Dante’s Inferno, yet at the same time it’s destined to drop to $20 inside of two months and shoved into that  bottom Gamestop shelf where the clerks just stack games with the spines facing out alongside between Brutal Legend and X-Blades.   Not that I’m saying you should buy this game– I mean god no, Bayonetta comes out this week– But it’s a solid “hey I got twenty bucks left on this gift card” choice.
Fast Food Panic (Wii, DS)
This one is hard to pin down.  I mean yeah, it’s called Fast Food Panic and it’s on a Nintendo platform, so at first blush it looks like an obvious Diner Dash ripoff, but on the other hand it has Japanese artwork and previews are comparing it to Cooking Mama, so maybe there’s a fundamentally good game lurking somewhere underneath.  But on the other other hand, it’s published by South Peak Interactive, and when they release Nintendo games it’s stuff like My Baby First Step.  There’s also no useful information at all about the supposed developer, Nobilis, and that never bodes well.
So instead of talking about this game, I want to take a minute to talk about The Future now that it’s 2010 and we’re officially in the middle of it.  And what I want to talk to you people about is why you don’t have your hoverboards and space stations and robot girlfriends, and it’s this:  You people are idiots.  We can’t trust you people to connect your laptop to the internet without accidentally downloading a virus that downloads cat porn to your hard drive, what in the world makes you think you can be trusted with a car that’s also a jet?
If there’s anything the decade of the Aughts has taught us it’s that America is pretty dumb, and it’s happy to be dumb.  Improving yourself is Hard, and we’d rather guys like China and India take care of being smart.  Well congrats, now India and China are firing rockets at the Moon while we have to beg the Russians for rides to our own space station.
The rest of the civilized world doesn’t have this issue.   I mean, ten years ago Russia was basically a third world nation operated by an independent network of crime bosses, and now they’re making plans to knock asteroids out of their orbits just because.  Japan wanted their 2010 to look like this:
And they’re already halfway there!
America?  We wanted our 2010 to look like this:
and we wound up with this:
(come to think of it, 2010 was also about an American space crew having to hitch a ride aboard a Russian rocket in order to save a derelict American space craft.  Maybe that’s not the best example)

Matt Hazard:  Blood Bath and Beyond (360 via XBLA, PS3 via PSN)
I’m still astounded that Matt Hazard:  Eat Lead came out last year.  The only thing I can remember about it is that it everyone hated the stupid thing and that they completely bungled the concept:  A self-aware parody of Duke Nukem.  Which sounds fantastic, but if these guys couldn’t even produce an average FPS game to go with the script, I’m not sure if they can be trusted to make Commander Keen, either.
Which is too bad.  There should be room for a game series that openly parodies the game industry and it’s various absurdities, but it turns out Vicious Cycle Software was guilty of something far worse than what they were ultimately parodying:  They made a lousy game.  Which means the subject is so radioactive now it’ll be years before we see another self-aware videogame.
My Fitness Coach 2:  Workout and Nutrition (Wii)
Look, it’s one thing to get me to talk about obvious shovelware like Fast Food Panic, but you seriously expect me to expend valuable allotments of attention span on nutrition programs that are accessed via Wiimote instead of something useable and accessable, like a laptop?Fast Draw Showdown (Wii via Wiiware)

And then this goddamned thing


2 Responses to “Wallet Abuse Wednesday 1-6-10: Bayonetta-a-ga-ga!”

  1. logan said

    I have seen a whole bunch of commercials for darksiders

    I don’t know what that means in terms of their advertising budget

    I mean i just watched the Bayonetta commercial and the Darksiders commercial came up right after

  2. Cover Photo

    Wallet Abuse Wednesday 1-6-10: Bayonetta-a-ga-ga! « Bigredcoat

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