Bigredcoat

Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wallet Abuse Wednesday 11-18-09

Posted by nfinit on November 17, 2009

Or as I like to call it:  Mario Brothers Fuck You Edition.  Observe:

1:  Fuck You, Wallet Abuse Wednesday:  Game releases on a Sunday, of all damned things, thus invalidating the very title of this blog post

2:  Fuck You, Prima!  With NSMBWii, Nintendo has incorporated an in-game Super Guide feature– basically, if you die too often, you can opt to allow Luigi to arrive and play through the level for you.  In addition, you can use coins you collect in the game to unlock videos showing you how to access the game’s secret areas.  This is a fantastic feature and wholly invalidates the Prima Guidebook business model.  Interestingly, the Prima Game Guide for SMBWii still exists, which must make for interesting conversation fodder when Gamestop clerks attempt to explain why it makes sense to pay twenty bucks for a hint book for a game that includes its own guide.

3:  Fuck You, Sanity!  At some point this happens

Lovingly stolen from Giant Bomb's NSMB Wii QuickLook.

4:  Fuck You, Friendship!  NSMBWii’s core gameplay mechanic involves finding new and creative ways to fuck over your friends.  Okay and I guess maybe you can use teamwork to achieve the same ends and all that touchy-feely crap, but the game’s main attraction is figuring out how to lead your friends into inescapable death traps.

5:  Fuck You, Hudsonsoft!  NSMBWii represents a better Mario Party game than any actual Marty Party game ever made.

6:  Fuck You, Sir Timothy John Berners-Lee!  No online component!  At all!  In a game built around the idea of four people playing Mario Brothers at once!

 

There’s a remarkable lack of trustworthy review scores floating about for a game whose release date was broken as early as Sunday, and we know full well Ubisoft wasn’t shy of handing out review copies to sites willing to give out good reviews.  So what’s up?  At the time of this writing (Sunday) Metacritic only list three reviews, two of them from official console PR rags.  And knowing what we know about Ubisoft’s policy on review copies, do Playstation: The Official Magazine, Playstation Official Magazine UK or Official Xbox Magazine UK have any credibility at all?

That said.  Assassin’s Creed 2 may yet be a good game.  The good parts of Assassin’s Creed 1 were very good indeed; the only parts where the game fell apart were the lack of compelling mission structures and the way the game strangely broke down into Devil May Cry 3/4s of the way through.  Ubisoft Montreal say they’ve fixed all these issues, and the trailer videos look stylish and intriguing, even if there’s a troubling lack of actual gameplay video.

But AC1 was infuriatingly incapable of living up to its hype– short of Mirror’s Edge, it may be the biggest disappointment of this console generation.  If Assassin’s Creed II is the game it wants to be, it could well be a Game of the Year candidate.  But judging from AC1 and what’s been happening behind the scenes with ACII, it becomes impossible to trust ACII sight unseen.

Leon Kennedy is getting way too cocky about this whole "zombie apocalypse" thing.

At some point the Wii became the go-to console for lightgun games, and while that makes sense considering the system’s strengths (and who doesn’t like lightgun games?) it has to be frustrating for Wii owners to see the PS360 receive “grown up” versions of mainline series such as Resident Evil and Dead Space while the Wii is relegated with obvious cash-in such as Dead Space Extraction and all three Resident Evil games that have appeared for the Wii.

All that said, Darkside Chronicles looks to be a very good lightgun game, if the trailers are to be believed.  But even in its not-really-a-RE-game gameplay it doesn’t even really tell a full Resident Evil story, instead going back to already established RE storylines and “fleshing out” events that have already occurred.

While we’re on the subject– if the Wii is going to be subject to lightgun games for the duration, can we at least get lightgun games that are supposed to be lightgun games?  House of the Dead Overkill was a good start, and apparently did well for Sega, but where’s Virtua Cop?  Namco keeps trying to convince people Time Crisis is relevant; why not put it on the one system released this console gen that should still have lightgun games?  Where in the name  of everything that’s good and right with the universe is a new Lucky and Wild?

Speaking of shit that should have been left to die on the Wii–

For those that are already aware of Tony Hawks’ Ride, the jokes have already been made, you may as well skip ahead to a game you may at some point want to actually purchase.  For everyone else, there’s this.

If the thoughts of dropping a hundred and twenty bucks on a peripheral that will see no support outside the one game it’s made for and (at best) represents a severely crippled Wii Balance Board, well fuck you, you’re part of the problem.  Stop giving Activision money!

Confession:  I’ve never actually played L4D, and until only very recently never played Team Fortress 2.  This is because my computer can barely run TF2 and L4D is out of the question, and it’s utterly indefensible to play either on the PS360.

Which leads us to the following conundrum:  There’s simply no good reason to play L4D2 on anything but the PC, and I only cover console games here.  So instead I’m going to use this platform to yell at Microsoft for being utter fucking twats for insisting that 360 owners should be paying a premium for online play when quite literally all the other available options– PC, Playstation 3, Wii, even the DS and PSP, for chrissake– are free to play.  On any multiplayer-focused multi-platform game, the 360, despite it’s superior online infrastructure, remains the least appealing platform.  This is all the more befuddling when you look at all the high-profile PC/360/PS3 releases that simply don’t work without multiplayer.

And that superior online infrastructure is wholly useless when the online community for any given Xbox Live game breaks apart roughly two weeks after the game’s release.  Microsoft wants to negate these problems by either stripping functionality from Silver users (lack of game demos) or by including features that, for whatever insane reason, are only open to Gold users despite these features being provided at no extra charge on PC and PS3 (Facebook integration, Netflix, Twitter).

Now maybe this strategy worked fine back when the Playstation 3’s exorbitant price tag meant that the 360 was the only real option for HD console gamers, but the PS3 has enjoyed price parity with the 360 for two months now, and for both of those months the 360 has been trounced in sales as compared to the PS3.  Admittedly, the PS3 will probably never catch up to the 360 in terms of overall sales– the lead is just too big– But Microsoft currently has no momentum whatsoever.

What’s worse, Microsoft probably doesn’t care.  They have market share over the PS3, and they’re actually making a profit.  But Sony wont’ make the mistakes it made with the Playstation 3 twice, and the longer Microsoft insists on gouging it’s customers with online connectivity, wifi, usable hard disc drive space and wireless controllers– all of which are standard features on the PS3, Wii and PC– the more goodwill it pisses away.

(The above may or may not count for the lack of a third update last week.)

Really, EA?  Chapel Hill and Basketball God Tyler Hansbrough dominates the Final Four and you put Blake Griffith on the cover for NCAA 2010?  Really?  This is what we’re doing here?  Fuck you, EA.  Fuck you.

(That said, all sins are forgiven if the “total broadcast immersion” thing they’re pushing this year means we get John Pilot Sports for the ACC tourney games.)

(Wait– the demo is UNC vs Duke in Cameron Indoor?  I take that back, EA. May the fleas from a thousand camels infest your tent.  Fuck you.)

At long last the Wii gets an actual grown-up racing ga–

Renault's 2009 campaign is brought to you by Blurry, Muddy, Indecipherable and Ing

Jesus Christ.  I’m sorry, guys.

If you’re a PS3 owner and you’ve somehow never played the PS2 God of War titles, there’s no good reason not to buy this.  If you already have played both– well, they’re good enough to be worth playing again, but remember at that point you’re basically paying $40 for the GoW3 demo.

So mating this game to the PS3 version of Assassin’s Creed II unlocks weapons in both this and ACII.  I now hate this game on general principle.

So this is either LBP didn’t do nearly as well as Sony was needing it to or this is one of Sony’s insane attempts at justifying 3rd party development for the PSP Go by putting a high-profile PS3 title to the system.

That said, I’ve not played LBP PS3 and thus am unable to tell how much stripping multiplayer from the title hurts the game as a whole, but it seems like a pretty damning omission.  Which is a shame, as the idea of an endlessly customizable 2d platformer seems much more suited for the PSP than a HD console.

Well it’s about time Sega did something with all those NAOMI arca–Wait.

Jambo Safari?   Not Jumbo! Safari?   Really?  More importantly, why?

I’ve spent the past 10 years calling this Jumbo Safari.  That’s it, I’m done for the week.

EVEN CONFUSED GRANDMOTHERS KNOW BETTER THAN TO BUY THESE GAMES FOR CHRISTMAS

Petz Hamzterz Zuperztarz
Discovery Kids Spider Quest
Planet 51
Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s Tag Force 4
Kamen Rider Dragon Knight
Just DAnce
Disney The Princess and the Frog
Petz Dogz Talent Zhow
Stoked: Big Air Edition
Foto Frenzy
Rec Room
Imagine:  Artist

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One Response to “Wallet Abuse Wednesday 11-18-09”

  1. Theodosia Skye said

    With all the Microsoft hate, is this a good place for me to complain that our 360 just red-ring-of-deathed for the SECOND TIME in its life?

    Because it did.

    And I am.

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