Bigredcoat

Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wallet Abuse Wednesday 10-7-09

Posted by nfinit on October 7, 2009

Oh god this week is brutal.  I mean, it’s not as bad as this week’s NFL schedule where the best game on TV is Baltimore at Cincy, but this week’s videogame selection really makes it hard to justify the “Abuse” part of “Wallet Abuse”.  Consider it “Wallet Severe Verbal Humiliation Wednesday” intead.
THE FOLLOWING ARE GAMES I ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT
The Wii Fit balance board is the most unhygenic gaming device since the Rez vibrator

The Wii Fit balance board is the most unhygenic gaming device since the Rez vibrator

I want to talk about this game first as it give me the chance to bring up how badly Capcom is about to cock up Street Fighter 4.At Tokyo Game Show last week Capcom announced, in a very Capcom-like announcement, that their plan to exploit the fighting game resurgance poineered by the popularity of Street Fighter 4 was to strangle said resurgence in it’s crib by releasing an interminable string of incrimental upgrades, the first being Super Street Fighter 4.

SSIV is something that would have worked quite well a decade ago when fighters were still relevant and an arcade culture existed where people were happy to pay full retail for quick and accurate arcade conversions to home hardware.  It’s something between an all-out sequel to SS4 while at the same time probably too large for Capcomo to trust to DLC just yet– and it’s also the very thing that people are going to reject in 2009 or 2010 or whenever this thing is finally released.  The systems this game will be sold for– 360, PS3, PC– all feature robust online content delivery systems and large amounts of internal storage.  There is no logical reason for SSIV to be sold on disc, yet that’s exactly what Capcom intends to do.  In stores it’s just going to confuse newcomers– after all, the box still says Street Fighter 4, it’s not like it’s a logical progression like the yearly Madden updates– and people already invested in the Street Fighter 4 commuity are just going to be pissed that the online experience will be fractured into camps that either own Super or refuse to upgrade.

Capcom to fighting genre:  Take it; take it hard

Capcom to fighting genre: Take it; take it hard

Capcom is acting very much like an old media company here– If they dind’t trust SSFIV to DLC, maybe it should have been paired down or broken up into enough chunks that they they felt it could work, or they should have blown the whole thing up and started work on Street Fighter 5– Or maybe even build on the market and try to rebuild Darkstalkers in the same way they did Street Fighter.  Or try an Alpha game– Between Street Fighter, Alpha, Darkstalkers and the Vs series Capcom wouldn’t have to revisit a fighting game franchise until they were able to do something unique and revolutionary with it.  Instead, Capcom pisses away any good will that SFIV may have gain them.  Nice work.

Which brings us back to Wii Fit Plus.  If you’re going to sell an incrimental upgrade with questionable value and can’t/refuse to sell it via download, this is the way to go about it.  Twenty bucks for the disc.  No one feels screwed over when they spend twenty bucks for an upgrade for a game that’s been out eighteen months.  That said, Wii Fit Plus is hialariou and awful and doesn’t feature the Motion Plus attachment, which makes you wonder what the point of this excercise is aside from the obvious cash-in.  But the Wii Fit crowd probably isn’t aware the Motion Plus exists and would only confuse them if you brought it up.

Anyway I just wanted to bring up Nintendo is the only company in the world that could take the concept of lithe redhead bouncing balls off thier hips and strip it clean of any sex appeal whatsoever.
What pornography would look like had John Harvey Kellogg had his way.

What pornography would look like had John Harvey Kellogg had his way.

Fortunately for 14th century nobility, dry ice armor would be a short lived fad.

Fortunately for the House of Lancaster, dry ice armor would remain a short lived fad.

Sort of what would happen if a Japanese developer had made Oblivion– archaic, unnecessarily difficult, about as accessable as Linear B.   That said, since it’s Japanese it has compelling combat and you wind up with insanely cool stuff like this:
SPAAAAAAACE VAGIIIIIIINAAAAAAA~!

SPAAAAAAACE VAGIIIIIIINAAAAAAA~!

Demon’s Souls is billed as the spiritual successor to the King’s Field series, so if you liked that sort of thing you’ll know what to expect here.  To be honest if I owned a PS3 I could see myself picking this up at some point– If you’re not into this sort of thing then you’ll know everything you need to know about that game when I tell you it’s a dungeon crawler without a Pause button.  Tread Not Here.
Wait, that’s not right..
No, hang on–
Wait, really?  This happened?

Wait, really? This happened?

Kinda like Pokemon Snap, but instead of being cheerful and charming it’s set on an African safari so it’s horrible and bleak and full of AIDS.
True story– the version of Afrika sold within Afrika itself is called Amerika and is a Wal-Mart safari simulator, which makes for a much more interesting game
This is why we lost the Chicago Olympics.  This guy.  Right here.

This is why we lost the Chicago Olympics. This guy. Right here.

I once ate an entire economy-sized box of Fruit Loops back in 97 and saw this exact same thing

I once ate an entire economy-sized box of Fruit Loops back in '97 and saw this exact same thing

40 Levels long, 2d, makes no use of the Wii motion controls at all– So why the fuck do I need to own a Wii to play this thing?

To be fair, one can use VGchartz.com to conclusively prove that Abe Lincoln died choking on a WonderSwan, but it's as close as our hobby will ever get to journalistic integrity

To be fair, one can use VGchartz.com to conclusively prove that Abe Lincoln died choking on a WonderSwan, but it's as close as our hobby will ever get to journalistic integrity

Oh yeah.  Anyway, this is being brought to us by WayForward, who are really outstandingly good at creating old-school 2d experiences, but it also carries the stink of failure that only Majesco can bring.  In other words it’s probably good, but also low rent and will only make you wonder how much better it’d have been had the developer been working under a real publishing company and not an unrepetant shovelware factory.  And yes, I’m being bitter.  All this said, if you owned absolutely everything and had to buy one game this week– well, you should wait a week and buy Brutal Legend.  But this isn’t a bad choice.

I dont’t have anything interesting to say about these games– They’re sports games, you either buy these things or you don’t and if you do you’re probably not reading this anyway, but I did want to mention this glorious bit of decadence brought about by 2k Sports for NBA 2k10:

Just look at that thing!  Even if you aren’t a sports game fan, don’t you want that sitting in your wall unit?  ARent’ you willing to start liking basketball games just to justify owning it?  Why do the mainstream guys get awesome stuff like this and the Halo 3 cat helmet with thier LEs when core gamers have to settle for art books and audio cds?  I mean, we’re the crazy ones, we’re the ones willing to drop hundreds of dollars on customized arcade sticks, why not do something stupidly hedonistic for Final Fantasy?  At least a Final Fantasy locker makes sense; no one in their right mind would actually have kept hold of the past decade of NBA 2k games.

THE FOLLOWING GAMES I DID NOT RESEARCH AT ALL AND WILL INSTEAD BE HUMILIATED FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

Rejected names for Obscure: The Aftermath include

*What Is This Shit: What the Fuck
*Utterly Forgettable: The Sequel
*Generic RE Ripoff: The PSP Version
*This game only exists: To be pirated

M-16?  Check.  World-weary dirt-spatterd soldier?  Check.  Shit exploding?  Check.  Complete lack of artistic expression?  Check.

M-16? Check. World-weary dirt-spatterd soldier? Check. Shit exploding? Check. Complete lack of artistic expression? Check.

Why is it any time a game developer feels like painsteakingly re-creating a real world location it’s gotta be some horrible frozen rock out in the Aleutian Islands?  Why can’t we spend nine hours traversing the French countryside or Tahiti?  Also we’re never ever going to war with China.  It’d be too expensive.  Please find a new boogyman.

RP means Rating Pending you fucking degenerate pervs

RP means Rating Pending you fucking degenerate pervs

I’m not sure but this might be the first ever goth loli JRPG to actually be targeted to goth lolis, as opposed to Disgea, which was a goth loli JRPG targeted to 4chan.

*

Note:  Totally unironic use of Blingee

Note: Totally unironic use of Blingee

Shippuden would denote the darker, more mature  Naruto universe, where Akatuski would denote a shitty PSP fighter where you mash X a lot.

Nominated:  Oustanding Achievement in Title Redundancy, Spike Videogame Awards 2009

Nominated: Oustanding Achievement in Title Redundancy, Spike Videogame Awards 2009

Used to be a time when I could look at a Star Wars game and tell what era it was set in.  Not coincidentally there used to be a time I cared about Star Wars games.  At any rate isn’t this sort of thing the reason Lego Star Wars exits?

If we hurry up and kill Will Wright immediately, theres still time to get him to spin in his grave.

If we hurry up and kill Will Wright immediately, there's still time to get him to spin in his grave.

Can we please get a morotorium on the use of the naming convention “*** Hero” in videogames?  So far Gamestop has listed

Guitar Hero
Band Hero
DJ Hero
Star Wars Clone Wars Republic Hero
Spore Hero
Battlefield Hero
Call of Duty Heroes
Naurto Ultimate Ninja Heroes
Skate City Heroes

*Note:  No More Heroes/No Nore Heroes 3 and Company of Heroes are exempt as these games do not make me physically ill.

Pretend this says PS2 at the top.  And its the US version.  And theres no watermark.  And Im not lazy and just grab whatever comes first after a GIS

Pretend this says PS2 at the top. And it's the US version. And there's no watermark. And I'm not lazy and just grab whatever comes first after a GIS

At this point Sony starts looking like a fiancee who refuses to stop dating her old boyfriend– sure, Sony’s in it for the long term with the PS3, but they want to keep  their options open.

THE FOLLOWING GAMES ARE NOT WORTH OF A PITHY IMAGE CAPTION NOR YOUR TIME
*Squeeballs Party
*Biggest Loser
*Disney Sing It: Pop Hits
*Game Party 3
*Imagine Zookeeper
*Shimano Xtreme Fishing
Actually, wait.
Fish:  OOOOOH SHIIIIIIT

Shimano: "Fuck you, fish!"

I dunno if this is a Real Thing or not, but what fish could possibly call for the application of a MOTHERFUCKING COMPOUND RECUVE BOW?   Did you find a deer hiding underwater?  Did you manage to find the Medusa’s underwater lair?  Are you just fucked in the head and local regulations prevent discharge of firearms into freshwater lakes?  Why do you hate fish so much, Shimano?
So this was possibly the worst week imaginable to bring Wallet Abuse back.  But next week brings us Brutal Legend and the week after Forza 3 and.. well, quite honestly I cannot fathom why anyone would need to purchase games anymore once Forza 3 is released, but we’ll see if I can keep interested.
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3 Responses to “Wallet Abuse Wednesday 10-7-09”

  1. Theodosia Skye said

    “why not do something stupidly hedonistic for Final Fantasy?”

    Oh, if only you hadn’t asked that.

    Cloud Strife Eau de Toilette: http://www.wired.com/gamelife/2009/09/gallery-tgs-shoulda/10/

    Do I need to point out that it’s a unisex scent? No, of course I don’t.

    (great update, as always)

  2. Viator said

    *ahem*

    I give you the Final Fantasy Potion soft drink/energy drink. It came in a few incarnations, but here are some of the more interesting:

    http://www.japantrends.com/final-fantasy-vii-10th-anniversary-potions-and-figures/

    http://www.japantrends.com/final-fantasy-vii-potion-the-test/

    look at that bottle. How cool? Very cool.

  3. Drafin said

    Oh NOES! Now that fish will be on IR in a few weeks… the Shimano Extreme Fishing cover curse strikes again.

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