Bigredcoat

Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wherein I’m confused by numbers

Posted by nfinit on October 6, 2009

Perusing Gamestop for the next Wallet Abuse, I was made aware of the following situation.

First we have this:

This would mark the year Activision started cross-marketing with Lisa Frank

This would mark the year Activision started cross-marketing stickerbooks with Lisa Frank

Guitar Hero III.  Makes sense, as this is clearly the third Guitar Hero.  This is the accepted form of sequel notation for mass entertainment media, for instance  Rocky 1/2/3.  Jaws 1/2/3d works as you still have 3 coming after the 2..  Star Wars 4/5/6 also makes sense as these are still sequential, even if 1/2/3 were filled back in later on.  Sometimes you may mix things up and not name your sequel Whatever 1/2/3, you’ll do something like Philosopher’s Stone/Chamber of Secrets/Prisoner of Azkaban, but you’ll typically put something on the cover denoting that these are sequels in your main series, this prevents people from trying to go from Twilight to Moby Dick to Return of the King.  The videogame industry, no, it’s too good for that shit.  Witness:

Our grandchildren will look back at this game as the exact moment our culture Went Too Far

Our grandchildren will look back at this game as the exact moment our culture Went Too Far

Looking at this, you would not expect this to be the fourth Guitar Hero game.  One would think perhaps it’s the first World Tour game, or maybe Activision was giving the mainline series a rest for one year and come back with something fresh for Guitar Hero 4 to counter Beatles Rock Band.

YOU WOULD BE WRONG, GOOD SIR

Then came the time we gave Coldplay billing over Johnny Cash.  Later that night we took turns feeding our genetalia to large dogs as clearly we didnt need them anymore--Excerpt from Confessions Of An Activision Graphic Artist

"Then there was the time we gave Coldplay billing over Johnny Cash. Later that night we took turns feeding our genitalia to large dogs as clearly we didn't have any use for them anymore"--Excerpt from Confessions Of An Activision Graphic Artist

What the fuck happened here?  There was no Guitar Hero 4!  You don’t get to do this unless you come back later and release GH4 as “The Lost Sessions” or something.  We have a notation system, it works, if it was good enough for the fucking Papacy since the year 63 it’s good enough for Activision.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL

In a couple months this is coming out:

Oversized Wii game packaging continue this remarkable trend where at first glance you swear its a box full of tampons

Oversized Wii game packaging continue this remarkable trend where at first glance you swear someone must have misplaced an economy-sized box of tampons.

HOW ON EARTH IS THIS NOT GUITAR HERO SIX?

But far be it for me to only accuse Activision of game sequel notation tomfoolery.  Capcom is by far the worst offender, with their loose, childlike understanding of the Arabic Numeric system.  For instance this:

All the horrible jokes about killing Africans have been played out, instead Im just going to note that there is no way Sheva is not fucking the hell out of that gun once Chris leaves

All the horrible jokes about killing Africans have been played out, instead I'm just going to note that there is no way Sheva is not fucking the hell out of that gun once Chris leaves

Is at least Resident Evil 6 or 7, depending on if you wish to count Zero and/or Code Veronica.  Also this:

Least sexy appearance of a thumb since Megan Fox.

Least sexy appearance of a thumb since Megan Fox.

Is somehow not Call of Duty 4, part 2 nor Call of Duty 6.

I was going to end this with Madden 2010 being Madden X, but it turns out EA actually had some self respect and ruined my joke.  Moral of the story:  Activision is better than EA because Activision makes things easier on me.

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2 Responses to “Wherein I’m confused by numbers”

  1. hugh betcha said

    You cite all of this- and it is gold, mind you- and you even evoke Capcom- yet you do not mention Street Fighter.

    “Which Street Fighter would that be, Hugh?”

    Does it matter? Close your eyes and throw a brick. Is Street Fighter ex + Alpha Championship Hyper Nutslap Edition lying unconscious on the pavement? Okay, that’ll do.

  2. Viator said

    Props to Steam for the coherently-labelled “Half-Life 2: Episode 2.”

    The recent Mega Man games fell into a subtitles-not-numbers trap, and even Final Fantasy fell victim to it… X-2, which was perhaps the setting least deserving of a sequel, but then you throw in Crystal Chronicles and Tactics and leave out FF11 since it’s an MMO and you’ve just got a real clusterfuck on your hands.

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