Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Wallet Abuse Wednesday 10-1-08

Posted by nfinit on October 1, 2008

Harvest Moon Tree of Tranquility (Wii)

I’d like to say I conducted an exhaustive research of Japan’s agriculture industry to shed insight to the insanity inherent in Harvest Moon,  but in honest truth I spent about fifteen minutes in Wikipedia and all I could find was that an agriculture ministry employee was once reprimanded for editing the Japanese-language Wiki entry for Gundam two hundred and fifty times.

The gimmick for this particular entry in the series is the ability to farm your own offspring in addition to pigs and horses.  You may then restart the game as your child, and may in turn again bed your own father or mother– I might that repulsive if I hadn’t already spent my formative years reading Heinlein.

Silent Hill Homecoming (360, PS3)

When the first word Gamespot uses to describe your franchise is “venerable”, you may have a problem. The Cincinnati Reds are venerable. The British Motor Corporation is venerable. Senator Ted Kenned is venerable. Game series shoudln’t be venerable, especially a series that debuted as a late-generation release for the PS1. How does Silent Hill fade into the realm of “venerable” when we’re still holding serious debate over the lack of tank controls in RE5?

As far as this game in particular– who knows. Something something soldier missing family something fog something Pyramid Head rape something.  If you pre-order with EBStop, you get a free DVD of Silent Hill: The Movie, which may be the first instance of a calculated effort to prevent pre-order sales.

Sonic Chronicles:  Dark Brotherhood(DS)

Try not to make logic of 1up’s 9.0 review score– down that path only lay long nights of Neogaf and hard drink.  Rest assured that Dark Brotherhood is probably terrible, if for no other reason than it’s association with Sonic and it’s insane, degenerate fanbase. Yeah, that’s right, I’m callow enough to pass judgement on mass media experiences based on the fandom for that franchise. This is not altogether irrational– Tom Cruise is insane; Tom Cruises’ fanbase is insane; no one really takes Minority Report seriously anymore.

(If Sega is the Tom Cruise of this relationship. that means Bioware is Katie Holmes. Which I think makes Dark Brotherhood the Suri Cruise of videogames. I’m probably overthinking this.)

We Cheer (Wii)

I’m onto your game, Namco. Between We Cheer and Idol Master you’ve moved into the lucrative market of ferriting out closet pedophiles for local sex crime law enforcement agencies.  This theory also explains many of the more troubling additions to Soul Calibur IV:

What I’m saying is, buy with cash.

Valhalla Knights 2 (PSP)

Etrain Odyssey for the PSP, but stripped of maps, character, personality, and dominatrixes.  Also, gameplay appears to be based around setting your teammates on auto attack while you run toward the camera.  For those of you wondering, yes, this would be the flagship title for the PSP 3k update.  Have fun with that.

Pop Cutie: Street Fashion Simulation (DS)

I live in New York City. I know what “Street fashion” implies. Vomit crusted beards, a pair of pants composed of three other pairs of pants joined with an insulating layer of newspaper, a suspciously nice overcoat– not this:

(Also, being a programmer for Koei of Japan has to be the most soul-crushing game industry related career short of Gamestop night manager, right?  If you’re not working the Dynasy Warrior salt mines, you’re stuck producing yaoi cosplay simulators.  What happens when this company buys out Tecmo?  We’re all buying Ryu Hyabusa’s Magical Shibuya Adventure, right ?)

Princess Debut (DS)

I’d like to take this moment to congratulate Clay Akins on his courage and his flabbergasting amount of obliviousness regarding America’s perception of his sexuality.

Mobile Ops: One Year War (PS3, 360)

Gameplay video would appear to reveal a mixture of Earth Defense Force and Shogo: Mobile Armor Division. Following our earlier discussion on how console mech games are never ever good, it’s going to be interesting to see exactly how Namco manages to fuck this one up.


Fracture: Because the statute of limitations on Red Faction has expired!

Guilty Gear 2 Oveture causes me to bleed from my ears!

I make hot sweaty manlove to Legend of Kage 2!


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