Bigredcoat

Videogames, politics, science, all the important things in life.

Upcoming Tuesday July 3rd 2007

Posted by nfinit on June 29, 2007

Shamelessly stolen from Gamestop’s upcoming games web page- which of course means that should you actually try to buy any of these games, expect to be viciously mocked by a kid making minimum wage during his summer vacation.

The reviews are from Gamerankings whenever possible– meaning that in one article I’ve managed to combine Gamestop’s retail practices with the absolute worst of “gaming journalism”. Join me next week as I attempt to combine the smell of cooked cabbage with the sex appeal of Annie Lennox.

PS2:

Nothing! Next gen systems enjoy a two week respite until Guitar Hero 80’s edition makes the intervening seven years of console development irrelevant again.

Wii:

Chicken Shoot. (Review average: N/A) Use your Wii remote to shoot chickens, who return fire using their own progeny. Miraculously, Jack of All Games managed to make a horrid game out of this.

(That’s not being entirely fair though, as I gathered that impression is from the PC version of the game, which averaged around a 50% from review sites. As far as the Wii version, no real evidence exists that it’s going to be released outside of Gamestop. No reviews on Gamerankings or Metacritic, IGN doesn’t believe it exits, even Wikipedia only includes the standard PR blurb. Here we have a case of a videogame so uninspiring it cannot even be proven to exist.)

XB360:

Vampire Rain (With Bonus!) (49%): Hopefully the bonus includes a refund for the purchase price of Vampire Rain, or perhaps they’ll include a game you may actually want to play on your 360, such as Earth Defense Force.

(Checking Gamestop reveals, sadly, that the bonus is instead a Vampire Rain poster. Which is great if you’re the sort of person that doesn’t just have a lousy taste in games, but wishes to remind yourself and your loved ones of this on a daily basis. Gamestop! Gaming for the self loathing!)

PS3:

Ninja Gaiden Pan the Camera Around Rachel in 1040i Edition (89%) Or Sigma, if you who didn’t play this this 2 years ago. Now feel the power of Blu-Ray as you’re emasculated by Alma in True HD!

(The XB1 fanboy in me would be remiss if I didn’t take this moment to mention that Ninja Gaiden Black received a 94% and sold for $30.)

PSP:

Steel Horizon (N/A): At long last Konami addresses the slavering turn based naval battle simulator PSP market.

Hot Wheels Ultimate Racing (N/A): At long last DSI games addresses the slavering lousy arcade street racer PSP market

(In a stunning show of confidence in the PSP, no reviews for either game exist as of yet– In fact, there’s no page for Hot Wheels Ultimate Racing to be found on Gamerankings or Metacritic. In lieu of actual content for said game, I shall instead cite the enlightened prose of your very own gaming community:

“kyur” managed to snap himself out of his 20-hour-a-day-caffeine-seizure to put together:

tis will be like fast and furios and need for speed put together and i have been watching a lot of hotwheels videos i whose to have the game but i don’t this will be cool the graphics will be cool the cars stlying will be cool

But don’t take his word for it! Witness the wit and wisdom of Fast and Furious himself!

Wow this game should be an awsome game because its like a mix of Need for Speed and Sonic and those are my two favorite games and in Hotweels you can use the cars special abilities and that makes it an even better game.

As for Steel Horizon, the DS version- a system tailored made for turn-based naval combat- received a 49%. Flee.)

Nintendo DS :

Platinum Soduku (N/A)

Vegas Casino High 5, (N/A)

Deal or No Deal (N/A)

(Continuing Nintendo’s market stratagem of making gaming as exciting as an issue of The New Yorker. The fact that there’s no rankings for these games does not suprise me, indeed I would find it more interesting should someone have bothered with a review for any of them– sort of like a bottle of Wild Irish Rose, you know what you’re getting into with “Vegas Casino High 5” the moment you read the label.)

Rather depressingly slow week, and it won’t get any better next Tuesday, with all of two games (Project Slypheed and Rivera: The Promised Land) to talk about. We’re officially in the Summer gaming doldrums, as the industry decides the very season when most of it’s target audience have been booted from school and have nothing better to do for the next two months is when they should start racheting down game releases in anticipation of the holidays.

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